Don't Die on the Hill: lessons from a recovering martyr
“Feel the fear and do it anyway” got me through the campaign. Short term pain for long term gain – or so I told myself. But I’ve learned the hard way: Overriding your needs isn’t courageous. It’s collapse in slow motion.
Running a nationwide campaign solo with no budget or resource was ridiculous in hindsight. But at the time, I didn’t question it. I believed so fiercely in what I was doing, I couldn’t imagine not doing it.
I didn’t realise then, but I became addicted to the stress. It started with manageable tasks - posting to socials, connecting with students, pitching to journalists. But soon, everything escalated.
Suddenly, I was everywhere. 🎤 Speaking at events 🗞️ Giving interviews 🏛️ Meeting MPs 📣 Hustling for media coverage 📝 Writing articles 🎓 Finishing my thesis.
At one point, I even got on stage at The Guilty Feminist show in Wellington to speak about the campaign – then spent the interval handing out gazillions of flyers to newfound supporters.
The momentum was incredible. It was so much fun and so exhausting. I didn’t notice how thinly I was stretched until the adrenaline wore off. By the time I submitted the petition, and my Master’s thesis, my nervous system felt like it had run off a cliff top.
🛑I COULD NOT STOP.
I had been so stressed in the final weeks, and clenched my teeth so hard, I cracked a tooth! I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t rest. The day after I submitted my thesis – I found myself cleaning out kitchen cupboards at 5am because I had no idea what to do with myself.
I was a nervous wreck. I had martyred myself – even though nobody asked me to! And I paid the price. It took me months to recover.
To my fellow mission-driven souls, I need you to hear this:
🛑 No hill is worth dying on.
If we want to sustainably do good sh*t in the world, we have to dismantle the internal operating systems that drive us to the edge.
It’s not just “the system” out there - it’s the one inside us too. The one that confuses overwork with impact. The one that calls burnout “dedication.” The one that says you have to prove your worth by suffering for the cause.
⚠️By doing so – we fall to the same systems we are often advocating to change! ⚠️
I can’t pretend I have a radical five-step plan for recovery. Much of it is obvious. Yet deeply uncomfortable to admit that I collapsed spectacularly because I ignored these fundaments. To come right, I had to prioritise:
✅ Sleep, food, exercise, sunshine.
✅ Reconnection with loved ones, with joy, with things that had nothing to do with impact.
✅ Boundaries with myself. Knowing when enough is enough.
✅ And questioning the real drivers underneath it all: Was it a good work ethic… or a fear of failing – very publicly? Probably both.
I know now that mission doesn’t have to mean martyrdom. We are no good to anyone – least of all ourselves – when we are frazzled. I no longer believe in self-sacrifice or working “tirelessly” for the greater good. No hill is worth dying on. Not if it means losing yourself in the process.
Do your bit. Do it well. Then clock out and chill the f*ck out. 🏖️
